the sea is made of tears from every lover who never loved

I want to know you (thoughtcatalog)
morbid
cheehry

I want to know you. You seem like someone worth knowing. Every day I feel like I’m surrounded by people with hard edges and sour faces but I get the sense that you’re different. Too often people seem to think that they have the answers to everything. Their faces are trapped in permascowls and they can’t be bothered with anything besides their own narcissism. You aren’t like that. You still ask questions. You’re still looking for the answers.

People with kind hearts make me feel dirty. Like I need to give my personality a bath or something. Rub it clean of my neuroses and judgments. But that’s a good thing. When someone inspires you to take a long hard look at yourself and question all of your bad habits, they’re someone worth keeping around. It’s all about finding that person who’s able to hold up a mirror to your life and cause you to reevaluate the noise. It’s all about wanting to be a better man.

I know you’ll surprise me. I know you’ll take a right turn when I’m convinced you’ll take a left. All of this may seem arbitrary (why does it even matter if you take a right instead of a left?) but it provides me with a giant sense of relief. Do you know what it feels like to go through life rarely being surprised? The person who you think is going to hurt you ends up leaving you alone at three in the morning. The person who will never understand your jokes or passions turns out to be a stranger forever. You sleep with them, go out to dinners, and even run away to a bed and breakfast on a long weekend, all in hopes that they’ll start to make sense to you one day. But they never do. They just get more and more foreign each day. Experiences don’t always breed intimacy. Sometimes they just make the distance more apparent.

I want to know how your weekend was (I never want to know these types of things but you’re the exception to all my rules) and I want to know how you got that scar on your knee (biking accident when you were twelve? Tell me more! This story is more riveting than The Hunger Games!) and I want to know about your mom and dad (Are they assholes? No matter! We’ll start our own family!) I want to protect you. I want to preserve your innocence and drink it up for myself. You learn from me and I’ll learn from you. Deal?

You’ll open me up like an orange, leaving a mess of pulp and sticky peels everywhere. Certain parts of my personality will be extracted and I’ll find myself feeling stuff I never knew was possible. It’s strange to think how many things we’re capable of without really knowing it until we have a proper catalyst — something or someone to bring it to the surface. Dig, dig, dig. No, you might need to dig a little deeper. I have a lot of crap sticking on top of the good stuff.

In order for all of this to work though, you have to let me know you. You have to let me cut you open and trust that I won’t accidentally hit a nerve. You have to accept me for my shortcomings and understand that you’re a better person than I am. I’m a little rotten. Please don’t let that deter you though. Because when I look at you, I see someone who makes sense. I see an anomaly — someone who’s untouched by all of the modern inventions and hang ups. I see someone I want to know.


Things you learn after your first heartbreak
morbid
cheehry
You learn not to assume things. You learn not to assume that the day you spent together in bed and took photos of each other against that white wall was important to both of you. In reality, only one of you will ever care about that day. Only one of you will flinch when you see the white wall again. The other person will forget it ever happened. You’ll have to remind them, years later when you meet for coffee, about the pictures and you’ll feel so stupid for holding it so dear. Why do you have to be the one who remembers that day? You assumed that your memories would be the same. You didn’t know that one gets to forget and the other has to remember.

You learn that the person who once protected you from all harm could one day become the harm. They could become the thing they spent so much time shielding you from. That’s how it always seems to work though, doesn’t? We give people power over our lives, we let them dictate the rhythms, and then we act surprised when there’s scratches.

You learn about the cruelty of time, the cruelty of fickleness. You learn that it’s possible for the person who knew you the best to eventually know nothing at all. You counted on them always knowing. You took solace in someone keeping score. But reliance is the first thing to go in a break up. You lose the right to call someone. You lose the right to ask how they’re doing. Imagine that. One day you had a VIP pass to their life and the next, you’re shut out completely. They’ll tell their grandma more things than they’d tell you.

You learn how bad heartbreak can hurt. All of a sudden you’ll be relating to sad love songs and feeling like such a chump. You listened to them before but never quite understood why they had so much resonance with people. Then you realized that it’s strictly for people who’ve dealt with the loss of love. To get the full effect of a Patsy Cline song, someone has to take an emotional dump on your face. Otherwise you’ll just be like “Gee, this lady sure sounds sad!

You’ll learn terrifying things about yourself. Most notably, the fact that heartbreak will turn you insane and obsessive. It makes you irrational and cripplingly nostalgic. (Your friends will even get fed up with you for a bit because you’re so cray cray.) There’s no real way to fix a broken heart other than time and sleeping with the next person you could potentially love. It takes someone’s else dick to get over the last one.

Most importantly, you’ll learn that it will all be okay in the end. Just like time killed your relationship, it will also be the thing that repairs you. Eventually enough time will pass that you’ll have nothing left to mourn. You’ll develop swiss cheese holes in your memory about the relationship. All you’ll recall are occasional flashes of happiness and feel grateful for it. You understand that this is just how life works. You fall in and out of love with people until you land somewhere that makes sense. You’ve learned a new secret about life and people. You get it now.

It’s bitter to know. It’s better to know.

isn't everything we do in life a way to be loved a little more?
morbid
cheehry
"I believe if there's any kind of God it wouldn't be in any of us, not you or me but just this little space in between. If there's any kind of magic in this world it must be in the attempt of understanding someone sharing something. I know, it's almost impossible to succeed but who cares really? The answer must be in the attempt"

Before Sunrise

(no subject)
morbid
cheehry
I'm not the kind to care but after last night, 20th August holds a significance for me. You know the thing that makes you so special is that we started off the wrong foot but eventually, you and I got it right. I believe we'll always get it right.

vouch
morbid
cheehry
“If you love someone, ask him for nothing. Don’t hold him from his destiny. Don’t keep him from going off in search of his own answers. Don’t ask him for commitment. You will know commitment is real when it is something given willingly, and not as something obligatory. Don’t ask him for promises. If you are patient, if you have faith, you will know in your heart when the right time for promises has come. And when that time arrives, then you will see that you have both lost nothing by setting each other free, and have instead gained a richer, fuller life, a wealth of experiences, and a stronger certainty of your desires.

But should he not return to you, then life hasn’t cheated you because no promises were broken. Your bitterness will not last long, and you will feel thankful and blessed that at the very least, this beautiful soul has colored your life, that knowing him has already made life infinitely more meaningful.

By setting a person free, you run a risk of him not returning. But always remember that you found him beautiful precisely because he was free. People are like sunlight. You can feel their warmth, and their glow, but you can’t hold them in your hand and keep them with you forever. People choose to stay. But a choice is made more meaningful when it is made despite so many other options." 

thechocolatebridge
morbid
cheehry
I have always feared that no matter if I loved myself or were to eventually feel love or be loved, I would always be treated like an object. No matter the situation, no matter the circumstances, no matter whom I meet next in my life, no matter who passes me by in the street, holds my hand, makes my dinner, kisses my ass, or loves me from a distance. I will always be seen as an object because despite everything I am always treated as one and the more I resist being treated as one and the more I stand up for myself, the more I am treated as nothing but an object.
I fear what’s been done to me in the past in terms of warping my mind has warped me so badly that I now believe this, but I’ve tried seeing it in other terms and I can’t. Every man, every woman, every soul, every being has treated me less than what I deserved to be treated as and has made me something that is to be used and abused. I don’t know if I can struggle to gain footing anymore. Maybe I am what they are making me to be, maybe I am not my own worst enemy but they are mine.. but if everyone is my enemy how I can trust my conscious into believing that I am sane?

sick sad world
morbid
cheehry
There’s something about depression that not many people get. When you have an up moment and you’re feeling relatively normal to your peers, you haven’t cured yourself. You’re not cured, hell, the battle is only really starting because you’re starting to believe you’re cured. The real battle, oh God is one sick fuck for this, the real battle is when you realize that you are no longer on that personal high anymore. You are no longer living the good life of normalcy. You start to feel that sadness creep back in and it makes you realize that you’ve never really overcome anything. You’ve just been foolishly ignoring all the glaring signs that have been staring at you in the face for months, years. Depression never really leaves you and no amount of lethal medication is going to numb you into an oblivion. It’s all lies, fabricated lies to make you believe that that feeling of being completely numb is normal, it’s not. It’s a lie. That numb feeling you’re experiencing is depression. Oh, it creeps back in so silently doesn’t it? Except, it’s not your standard I’m going to lay in my bed for weeks crying and not ever wanting to see the light again. Oh fuck that, because it’s so much worse. Dreadful is the word to describe it. When you hit that numb feeling, when you no longer feel anything at all, you’ve hit rock bottom. You can’t crawl out of that hole and you can’t climb out of it, you have to tear off your limbs one by one until you get to your beating heart before you can get out of that hole. You have to ruin and wreck yourself in all the best ways imaginable before you can ever think of seeing that fantastic bloody ‘light’ again. There is no light at the end of tunnels. The only thing at the end of tunnels are more stairs.

Elizabeth Gilbert (Eat, Pray, Love)
morbid
cheehry
‎"...I've come to believe that there exists in the universe something I call "The Physics of The Quest"- a force of nature governed by laws as real as the laws gravity or momentum. And the rule of Quest Physics maybe goes like this: "If you are brave enough to leave behind everything familiar and comforting (which can be anything from your house to your bitter old resentments) and set out on a truth-seeking journey (either externally or internally), and if you are truly willing to regard everything that happens to you on that journey as a clue, and if you accept everyone you meet along the way as a teacher, and if you are prepared - most of all -to face (and forgive) some very difficult realities about yourself...then truth will not be withheld from you." Or so I've come to believe.

(no subject)
morbid
cheehry
In the event where action means more than words, you have to remember that sometimes the inaction to do anything can mean just as much or even much more and can be interpreted in a number of ways you don’t even realize. Oftentimes I forget that, that even in situations where you weren’t the one who walked away, you have to realize you also didn’t chase after what you still wanted, what you’re still waiting for — and in a way, that was you subconsciously choosing not to fight for it at all. So in cases like these, we can’t always blame the other person for hurting us by choosing not to stay, because sometimes it’s our own fault for just letting it happen without doing anything about it, you know? Because regardless of who initiates the idea of it first, every relationship, whether you realize it or not, requires a decision from both sides on whether it’s come to an end or not and usually what’s the most painful about it, is not the fact that it ended, but the sad fact that the other person has given in and agreed by not saying anything at all.

guesz who's back?
morbid
cheehry
I can never bring myself to delete this livejournal. Its just these tight grasp I have for it, it has a place in my heart. I guess tumblr will always be fun but its reblogging after reblogging. I get so distracted by the massive amt of photographs and words, I never have the insane urge to write for my own sake, for my own pleasure. I miss this space. I miss it so much its not gonna be totally private!! hardehar another reason to have stalkers knowing what's going on in my mediocre life.

Because if you're lucky? The person you love decides to love you back.
 

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